Dey’s All Growed Up Now

 

Is there an advantage to your Tax Deductions reaching adulthood?

It seems to last an eternity while you’re going through it, this parenting thing. That moment when the mud-magnets are responsible for their own lives and you are finally free of the responsibility seems like it will never arrive. The daily trudge of getting them through school, off to their respective weekend sports and pretending that the mass of coloured lines and squiggles looks exactly like Great Aunt Mable in her favourite sun dress, seems interminable.

Then one day you wake up, peel open your sleep deprived eyelids and wonder what that strange noise in the kitchen is. Reality descends with all the subtlety of a house brick to the head when you realise that noise is actually the man-child preparing his lunch before heading off to work, while talking to the younger girl-children who themselves are preparing for their own adult days. Middle child is off to work, and youngest is off to Unaversity, Yewnivecity, Yoonaverstty ….big person’s school.

Ahh yes.” You think to yourself. “They’re adults now, leading adult lives.”

For me it had been twenty one years of full-time parenting, Twenty one years of making sure that all I did and said would be to the ultimate advantage of these three young humanoid life forms who had the misfortune of having a completely clueless numpty like me to steer them. It had become my entire focus and for some reason it seemed it always would be – they’d always need me to advise and guide and to take care of them. Then you realise that that’s not the case and at some point you became a mere an observer, and a little bit of you dies.

Well at least that’s what I feel it must be like for other parents who actually develop an affection for their offspring. Personally I reckon it was great, and that moment of clarity got me wondering “what are the advantages of them finally being off my hands”.

The first advantage is obviously the decreased burden on your valuable time. They all have their own mode of transport and earn enough money to meet the fuel requirements of said transport. No more “Daaaaad, I need a lift to the shop.” No more “Daaaad can you drive me to my friend’s house.” No more, “Daaaad I’m bleeding I need to get to a hospital.” They can take care of all of that by themselves. Oh happy days.

And how about no longer having to sit through TV shows and movies that are aimed at young’ns but are also designed to destroy the minds of adults. Yes, yes I am taking direct aim at the Disney Corporation. It’s YOU that created the Cinderella and Rapunzel movies, the Alladins and all those. And then just when you think all that’s behind you, ha-ha look out, here comes the bloody Twilight Saga, or Princess Diaries. You have no idea how much it troubles my soul that I actually know of the existence of such things. Ahh, but no more.

But of course the main advantage may not be immediately apparent, and doesn’t actually relate to your own young’ns, but to the recently adulted young’ns of other parentals that your own young’ns lure into your humble hut. Hmm that sounds just a little be creepy, so please let me expand before gathering your torches and pitchforks and paying me a visit.

We all remember what it was like back when we recently turned 18 and could legally access that sweet, sweet elixir which issues forth from the amber coloured bottle. Yes of course I’m talking about beer. Back in those days all you needed was a $20 note and access to a bar which sold $5 dollar jugs and you were on your way.

Well these days, young’ns don’t have that opportunity. The cost of booze has meant that many of them decide to have what is now known as ‘pre-drinks’. This involves knocking back a few at someone’s home before heading out. Or they don’t go out at all, preferring to limit consumption to the host’s backyard.

And this, my dear friends, is where the greatest advantage of all comes to fruition. You see, all the young bucks come over, full of an unjustified faith in their own abilities. Over their shoulders they carry full cartons, 24 beers, which they fully believe they’ll be able to make a serious dent in during the course of the evening.

My advice is to encourage this, and provide a fridge which they can make use of to keep ‘their’ beer cold. I put their in inverted commas for a reason. You see, being young and dumb, they’ll hook in with great abandon. Two, three or four beers down the hatch in record time. They get boisterous and loud. Five beers into it and they’re starting to flag. Too hard to early. By the end of the evening, they’ve consumed maybe seven or eight, thrown up behind the roses, make a dick of themselves and headed home to sleep it off.

But what of the beers they left behind? Will they return the next day to retrieve them? Probably not, the embarrassment of proving to be such light-weights will prevent them from showing their still green faces. So you’ve just scored sixteen free beers. Multiply that by the three or four roosters who fell short of their own delusions and you’ve got yourself a fridge full of beer. ALL FOR FREE.

Could there be any better compensation for the closing of a long, rewarding and exciting chapter of your life? I think not.

Life is indeed, good.

Fourex beer
                Oh sweet, bountiful elixir of the Gods.